Anticipatory Grief: What Is It?

Written by John Kennedy Saynor. Originally published by Arborcare Bereavement Resources. © Genesis Bereavement Resources, 1998.

 

This winter I took my annual winter vacation. I actually began to plan this vacation last summer. It seemed odd planning a winter vacation while I was still basking in the sun and heat, but in anticipation of how much I dislike winter, I made my reservation and mailed a deposit for my accommodation.

I booked my flight. It was still a long time before departure day, but I began to think about the places I wanted to see and what I wanted to do. As the fall progressed, I found myself thinking more and more about Mexico. Christmas passed and Mexico was on the horizon.

A month before the trip I was planning to buy suntan lotion, to think about what clothes I wanted to take and I began going to the tanning salon! For a week before I left, my clothes were neatly piled on a table in my bedroom waiting to be packed. As you can see, anticipation is a big part of vacation for me!

When you think of it, much of life is spent anticipating events, both happy and sad, that are about to happen. This is true when we learn someone we love hasn’t long to live. What many people don’t understand is that when a loved one is dying we begin to grieve the loss even while he or she is still alive. This experience is known as anticipatory grief. It is important to recognize during this time that both the person who Is dying and those who will be left are grieving. In some ways, anticipatory grief isn’t much different from the grief we experience after the death occurs.

What might you experience during the period of anticipatory grief?

1. SADNESS. You will experience an intense sadness at the thought of the death of someone you love and that some of your plans will go unfulfilled. You will begin to think about what life will be like after the person is gone.
2. FRUSTRATION. You may experience some frustration due to your own inability to accept the reality of a pending death. One day you will be in denial. The next, you may become hopeful that it will be your loved one who will beat the illness. Then, reality will set in. “This is me. This is really happening to our family.” This ambivalence can be very frustrating.
3. GUILT. It may be there are things you have said to the dying person that will make you feel guilty. If you are close to the person, you may feel guilty for not noticing changes in his or her health. You may even feel guilty that you aren’t the one who is sick and dying.
4. ANGER. You may be angry with the doctors for not being able to do anything. You may be angry with the person if the illness is related to a lifestyle that could have been changed. Or you may be angry with God for not intervening in the situation.
5. LONELINESS. When we are called to go through a difficult period of life, we often feel we are the only one experiencing it and that nobody cares or understands. If the illness is prolonged, you may experience loneliness caused by the fact that the person is no longer an active part of your everyday life.
6. FEAR. You are entering unknown territory. This is a place you have never been. You may be afraid of how the disease will run its course. You may be afraid of what the death will actually be like and wondering if you will be there when it happens. You may fear what life will be like after the person has died.
7. HOPE. It often happens that those who are close to one who is dying find a great well of inner strength. This may be a source of hope that everything will unfold as it is meant to and you will be given the strength you need for each day. You may find strength in your spirituality, your friends, your own life experience. This may be for you and the person who is dying one of the greatest periods of growth in your own life.

What will hinder you at this time?

1. By telling yourself that this illness is not terminal and the person isn’t going to die, you miss an opportunity to prepare yourself, in many ways, for the death when it happens.
2. POOR COMMUNICATION. If your family has a history of poor communication, it isn’t going to come easy during this time. Remember, very few people find it easy to talk about dying – even doctors.
3. OTHER COMPLICATING FACTORS. Is there other illness in the family? Does the family have financial problems? Are there relationship difficulties in the family? If there are, it will make this time more difficult.
4. LACK OF SUPPORT. Do you feel like nobody understands or cares? If you do, you will have difficulty preparing yourself for what is ahead.
5. IS THE ILLNESS TAKING A LONG TIME? While it may sound calloused, if the illness is prolonged, family members may lose patience with each other and the one who is dying. If this happens, more support is needed.

Helping yourself through anticipatory grief

1. KEEP COMMUNICATION OPEN between you and the one who is dying and one or two close friends. There may be a support group for caregivers in your community. It is true that “talking and feeling brings healing.”
2. TAKE STEPS NOW TO REDUCE THE GUILT LATER. You have been given time to say things you may want to say to the one who is dying. It may be an apology or one more time to say “I love you.” It is a time to talk about what life will be like after he or she is gone. It may also be a time when you can do some of the things you have always wanted to do together.
3. EXPRESS YOUR EMOTIONS. If you feel like crying, then cry. If you want to laugh, then laugh. If you need to express your anger and frustration, find someone with whom you can do it.
4. MAKE SURE LEGAL MATTERS HAVE BEEN LOOKED AFTER. Does the one who is dying have a legal will, power of attorney and medical power of attorney? Preplanning a funeral is also a good idea. Having these things in place makes it easier for the survivors.
5. TAKE TIME TO CARE FOR YOURSELF. This may sound selfish to you, but you need to take special care of yourself. Take time for exercise. Draw on the resources of your faith. Find a quiet place to reflect, meditate or just listen to your inner voice.
6. REACH OUT FOR HELP. Your doctor, a clergy person, or a bereavement counsellor are three professionals who may be able to help you – or refer you to those who can. Accept all the offers of help you can get!

In closing, anticipating the death of someone you love is one of the most painful experiences of life. The days will seem endless, you will run out of energy, patience and perhaps hope. At times, you will wish it were all over. On the other hand, it may be a time during which you and the one who is ill are drawn closer than ever. You may have many hours together to share your memories and your love. These could be the days that will allow you to say, “I have no regrets” when it is all over. If that happens, this will be one of the richest periods of your life.

 

Learn more about Cowichan Hospice’s services for caregivers and our grief support programs.